Teacher enters the classroom and asks the grade two students to learn some farm yard animal noises so they could perform them at the school assembly.

The day comes quickly and it was Grade Two's turn to impress the rest of the school. The teacher introduces them

"Mary, can you do a farmyard noise?"

Proud as punch Mary says, "Yes miss......mooooooo!"

"Michael, can you do a farmyard noise?"

Grinning ear to ear he replies, "Yes miss......oink oink oink!"

"Sally, can you do a farmyard noise?" Jumping on the spot she says, "Yes miss......cluck, cluck!"

"Johnny, can you do a farmyard noise?"

Johnny was quiet for a while then says "Yep"

"Well can you show us?" Prods the teacher

"Ok then.............Johnny get of the ****ing tractor you little ****!"

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Women

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need = I want

It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want. = You'll pay for this later!

We need to talk. = I need to complain.

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.

I want new curtains. = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = {Too late, you're dead}

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep?

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Men

I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired. = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50.00 and it doesn't look that much different!

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freaking dress and let's go home

We cannot stop ourselves, so we go on,
Knowing somewhere else the horror plays
And plays and plays until we are forgiven,
Healed by someone's gift of unearned love.

When someone has been tortured as a child,
Evil, like a mad dog, crouches near.
One buries it deep in a vaulted, lead-lined chamber,
But zombie-like it stalks the world within.

It's strange that darkened children need forgiveness
For evil that they suffer, innocent.
But guilt's the trademark of humiliation,
Burned into the flesh of memory.

Love washes over evil like an ocean,
Sweeping over seething, fisted anger,
Drowning it in cold, unquiet depths,
Leaving you weak and weeping on the strand.

You wouldn't be yourself without the pain
That twists inside like penitential dancers,
Making you the stage of some strange beauty,
Like no one else, the host of our redemption.

The things that women do to stay as hair-free as possible can be pretty amazing at times. My girlfriend, Geraldine, is one of those who are blessed with hair in abundance. And all in the wrong places, lol. As for me, i’ve tried many kinds of hair removal methods. I shave, i epilate, and yes, i do wax too occasionally. Armpit, hands and legs…. these are three main areas i perform hair removal on. To some, it can be a time-consuming affair. For me, i enjoy every moment of it. I love to hog the bathroom and take my time shaving my legs, arms and ummmm…. intimate areas.

Although time-consuming, i love the feel of my hair-free skin; so smooth, so soft. Almost like a baby’s….. almost. I cannot shave in a hurry as i tend to be clumsy and get nicks and cuts. And IF i were to nick myself “THERE”, it’s gonna hurt like hell. My friend askedme why dont i just go get a Brazilian Wax done instead. Geeeee…. i can only imagine the pain involved. But she told me it lasts wayyyyy longer than a shave and oh-so-smoother. The pain all depends on the skill on the person who performs the Brazilian Wax on me. The faster, the lesser the pain.

This thought has been lingering in my mind for quite a long time. So, what does one do during beazilian Wax session? Lay there with legs wide opened? Let the therapist apply warm wax to my intimate and tender area and have it all yanked off at one go?? Geeeee…. sounds so scary. But the temptation and lure of baby-smooth skin is just too much to bear. I’ve read all about Brazilian Waxing Guide at hairremovalarea.com and now, i’m ready to embark on my very first Brazilian Wax experience. So, i think every woman ought to give it a try, YEAH!!!!

Mumbai, Item girl Rakhi Sawant, who has signed a new semi-autobiographical Broadway-style Bollywood musical called "Balti Devi: Queen Of Southall", is looking for an image makeover.

SuicideGirls are unique, strong, sexy and confident women. Is this you? Well, fill out this application and you just might have a shot at it, although we ain't promising you anything. SuicideGirls encourages women of color to apply. We aim to be a more diverse site, and we need your help!

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Just from being featured on SuicideGirls, girls have been hired to appear in music videos, tv shows, radio shows, film and music festivals, fashion shows, countless magazines and advertising campaigns.

Google AdSense is a fast and easy way for website publishers of all sizes to display relevant Google ads on their website's content pages and earn money. Because the ads are related to what your visitors are looking for on your site — or matched to the characteristics and interests of the visitors your content attracts — you'll finally have a way to both monetize and enhance your content pages.

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A drunk walked into a bar crying.One of the other man in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible a thing"sniffed the drunk."just a few hours ago I sold my to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." 

 "That is awful"said the other guy."And now that she is gone you want her back Right."

"Right"said the drunk,still crying.

 "You are sorry because you sold her because you realised too late that you still loved her."